Baby Hold On
by carjax
Summary: Spoilers through Season 5. When Jackie tells Hyde she wants to see real emotions from him before she can really forgive him, he gives her his journal. Finished!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I made all of this up and I'm making no money off of this. Please don't sue. Spoilers: As of now I would say through "Nobody's Fault but Mine." Note: This is mostly from Jackie's POV, hopefully the characterization isn't too far off. Hope you enjoy it!  
  
*  
  
I screwed up. I mean really screwed up. Except I don't know what the screw up was. Was it cheating on Jackie? Or was it giving a crap about Jackie?  
  
I wouldn't be walking around feeling like shit if I hadn't cheated on Jackie. Of course, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if I had just kept things simple with Jackie.  
  
I should have really broken up with her after she called Kelso her boyfriend. I really should have. Because I can't pin this on her now. She and Kelso will always have a bond and I understand that. I don't want to, because seeing them together usually makes me see red. And I hate being jealous. It isn't exactly very Zen.  
  
"I don't want to talk to you!" Jackie exclaimed through the bathroom door. She had gone to her own house. She hadn't gone back to Donna's. She didn't want Donna to feel even more sorry for her.  
  
"Then just let me take you back to Donna's," I said.  
  
"Why?" Jackie asked. "So she can watch me cry?"  
  
"I don't want you here alone," I said, my head leaned up against the wall. "Please Jackie."  
  
"Go home Steven," Jackie said evenly, without emotion.  
  
"No," I replied. "I'm just as stubborn as you are."  
  
"I don't want to be around you Steven," she said. I heard the tears. I hated that I was the reason she was crying. "You're just like Michael."  
  
"No, I'm not," I said. "I'm worse, because I saw what it did to you when he cheated on you. And trust me Jackie, you don't hate me any worse than I hate me."  
  
"Doubtful," she sniffed.  
  
"What do you want from me Jackie?" I asked. "Do you want me to beg for forgiveness? Do you want me to write you a song? What?"  
  
The bathroom door swung open. Her eyes were red, her cheeks tearstained. "I want you to show real emotion Steven! I want to not feel like an idiot for loving you! I want to not hurt so bad!"  
  
"I can't make you not hurt," I said quietly. "And I can't promise that you aren't an idiot for caring about me."  
  
"I love you Steven," Jackie said. It was like a freaking dagger in my heart, because I knew she didn't want to love me at that point. "God, why I still love you is beyond me."  
  
"Let me take you back to Donna's," I said. "She's worried about you."  
  
"Will you leave me alone?" she asked.  
  
"For tonight," I replied.  
  
*  
  
"Hyde came by," Donna said, walking into her room. She had something in her hand.  
  
"I don't want to talk to him," I said. "He said he was leaving me alone tonight."  
  
"He left," Donna said. "He was checking on you. And he gave me this to give to you."  
  
"What is it?" I asked, eyeing the slim object wrapped in newspaper.  
  
"I don't know," Donna said. "Maybe you should open it."  
  
"It's not going to help," I said.  
  
I took the package and gently tore off the newspaper. In it was a composition notebook that looked really old. The cover was all bent with one corner torn off. There was a new-looking piece of paper sticking out of it.  
  
Dear Jackie, You wanted real emotion. Here it is. This is my journal. I don't know why I ever kept a journal. But whatever. Read it. This is me. This is as honest as I get. You can read the whole thing if you want.  
  
He had signed it Hyde, then scratched that out and signed Steven. It made me smile.  
  
"What is it?" Donna asked.  
  
"His journal," I said, looking up at her. "I'm not going to be able to sleep unless I read it. Would it bother your dad if I just hung out in the kitchen?"  
  
"Who cares if it does?" Donna asked. "This is crisis time, right?"  
  
I smiled at her. She's a good friend.  
  
"Thanks," I said as I left her room.  
  
When I got into the kitchen I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and rummaged for some cookies.  
  
Then I settled down to read. 


	2. Smoke on the Water

Note: Disclaimer still applies and for the next several chapters, the format will be that each chapter starts with a journal entry from Hyde and then reaction from Jackie. Enjoy!  
  
*  
  
No matter what we get out of this I know we'll never forget Smoke on the water, fire in the sky.  
  
"Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple  
  
*  
  
I went to the prom yesterday. With Jackie Burkhardt. What in the hell was I thinking about? I mean she looked hot, but she's Jackie!  
  
Damn. I wish I would have just told her no. It makes me seem like I have a heart or something. And I don't.  
  
There's just something about that girl that makes me want to protect her. She's so freaking young. And Kelso is an ass. But that's no news.  
  
She was really beautiful. But still. I went to the prom. With a cheerleader. I don't care that she ended up with Kelso and I ended up in the back of her dad's car with Pam Macy. I went with her. I went for her.  
  
I think I need a toke.  
  
*  
  
I laughed at that entry. It was near the beginning. A lot of the journal was about how the US government was out to get him. But every now and then there was stuff that actually happened. Sometimes he would let his guard down.  
  
That's Steven's biggest problem, he never lets his guard down.  
  
I remember that prom. I remember being devastated that Michael hadn't asked me. But Steven, he went with me. I know I kind of cried and made him feel bad, but he didn't have to take me, but he did.  
  
That's when my whole relationship with Steven really started. I mean, I never really confided in him until that night. After that I just naturally started going to him. It probably wasn't fair to him. And I would probably regret how I treated him while I was dating Michael as I read more, but that is when it started.  
  
I guess that's when it started for him too. Because he said he wanted to protect me. Even Michael didn't protect me like Steven did.  
  
And I never saw it.  
  
But he can't protect me from this. Because he did this. He hurt me. And I want to hate him. Because he, of all people, knows how what he did affects me.  
  
But it's worse this time. Because Steven is more than a high school sweetheart. I love Steven. And I thought that was enough. I thought I could deal with the lack of trust he had in me. I didn't realize it was me who would need to be less trustful.  
  
"Read on Burkhardt," I said to myself. 


	3. Seen the Rain

// Yesterday and days before  
  
Sun is cold and rain is hard  
  
I know  
  
It's been that way for all my time \\  
  
"Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by CCR  
  
*  
  
Damn Kelso. Damn him for ever bringing Jackie into our lives. She wouldn't have come to me when he broke her heart if it wasn't for him.  
  
Jackie found Kelso kissing Laurie. Sure, I knew he had been sleeping with that whore for awhile. But Jackie just found out.  
  
The look on Foreman and Donna's faces when Jackie hugged me was classic. I don't know why she felt like she needed to cry on my shoulder. It's not like I really care what happens to her.  
  
That's a lie. But I can keep that a secret. No one needs to know that I want to kill Kelso for hurting Jackie. He's such an ass. Big surprise.  
  
But I think Jackie will be okay, I think she'll move on. And then I can have my shoulder back.  
  
*  
  
That's Steven. Pretend you don't feel anything. Pretend you don't need anyone and no one needs you. It didn't surprise me at all.  
  
How many names he called Michael surprised me a little bit. Him and Michael have been friends forever.  
  
I don't know why Steven likes to hide how good a guy he is. Sure, he smokes weed, cuts class, acts like he doesn't care about anyone, but he's also a really good friend who is always there when you need him.  
  
When I found out about Michael and Laurie, he was there for me. I have never relied on anyone emotionally like I rely on Steven. He was the one I could talk to. And he would always help me sort out my feelings and help me see more clearly.  
  
No wonder I'm a wreck. I can't confide in Steven, because Steven is the problem. Maybe this wouldn't matter so much if Steven wasn't so important to me. But he is.  
  
Before he was my boyfriend he was the one I cried to, the one who cheered me up. I should have left him alone. I never should have made out with him. It should have stopped when Donna and Eric found out about us.  
  
That's a lie. Ha, Steven said that too. I truly think being with Steven has made me change. I think I'm a better person. I think I can take care of myself better. I think I care less about clothes and superficial stuff. I still like that stuff, but there's other, more important stuff.  
  
Like the Led Zepplin shirt Steven gave me. Sure, it's practically threadbare, but he loved that shirt and he gave it to me. I love that shirt. I won't admit to anyone that I slept in it for a week after he gave it to me. But I did.  
  
I just wish I had someone I could talk to about this, who understood me like Steven does. 


	4. Stuck in the Middle

Just want to give a quick thank you to everyone who has reviewed this fic so far. I really appreciate it!  
  
*  
  
// Don't know why I came here tonight/ Got a feeling that something ain't right/ I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair/ And I'm wonderin' how I'll get down the stairs/ Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right/ Here I am/ Stuck in the middle with you \\  
  
"Stuck in the Middle with You" by Bob Dylan  
  
*  
  
So, I let Jackie take me out to dinner tonight. It wasn't a date man. But she was feeling pretty low after everything she's going through with Kelso and Foreman's slut of a sister. So I let her take me to Sizzler.  
  
She bought me some boots too. I like those boots. It felt wrong to let her buy them and I told her so. But she's rich, she can afford them.  
  
But she tried to kiss me. I put a stop to that real fast. I mean, she's Jackie. Loud, annoying, cheerleading Jackie. And she was Kelso's girlfriend. Even if the ass cheated on her with something as disgusting as Laurie, he is my friend. I think. Do I really want to be friends with someone who slept with Laurie?  
  
Why is Jackie latching onto me? I mean, I have no heart, no feelings. I give the worst advice because I like to laugh at people. But I have a feeling Jackie is relying on me more than anyone else, even Donna. No good can come of this.  
  
Oh yeah, she kissed me. Or she tried to kiss me. I know I already wrote that. But it's trippy that she decided to try and kiss me. She actually did kind of half kiss me in front of Kelso and Fez. That was funny. Kelso had tried to win her back by singing to her and she kissed me and left. Maybe I should let her kiss me sometimes. It would make Kelso shut up.  
  
*  
  
My cheeks burned red as I remembered pushing myself onto Steven. I was so confused and sure that no one else would ever like me.  
  
I know I was being stupid. I'm popular and I work pretty hard to be beautiful. But when you're in an emotional crisis it's hard to think rationally. And maybe I was the one being rational at the time. I mean, look at where Steven and I are now. Or where we were three days ago.  
  
I couldn't explain why it was Steven I turned to. Maybe it was because no one could get to him. No one made him completely lose it. Even when his dad left again, I mean it sucked, but he didn't fall apart.  
  
Steven doesn't realize he's different when people really need his help. He actually says things worth listening to when he's protecting you. And I loved when he would protect me. I loved when he would do anything to cushion the blow for me.  
  
Still, Steven and I hated each other. Well, I pretended to hate him. But I could never go to prom with anyone I truly hated. I would be afraid they would do something to embarrass me the whole time. He didn't scare me like that. He might have hated me, but I don't think he did. I don't think he would take food from someone he hated.  
  
He's got a moral code. It may be a messed up code, but it's there. And I have to believe part of that entails taking care of people weaker than you. And I was weaker than him at that point.  
  
Did anything good come of that night? That started my first fascination with Steven. I guess it ended rather quickly, but that was the start. Has it been good? Well, parts have been fun, but I have yet to judge if any good has come from Steven and I being friends, being more than friends. I guess part of me is scared that the answer is no. 


	5. Teenage Wasteland

// I don't need to fight/To prove I'm right/I don't need to be forgiven/Don't cry Don't raise your eye/It's only teenage wasteland \\  
  
"Baba O'Reilly" by The Who  
  
*  
  
Jackie has become Zen. Well, she's a little Zen. It was kind of fun teaching her how to just be ambiguous and aloof. Even if she's only half- way there, it was still fun. And she listened to everything I said. She wasn't like Kelso would have been if he had been the one to ask me to teach him. I hate when people hear what you're saying, but they don't actually listen. I purposely fed her a line of crap at first to see if she was serious. My boots have never been shined better.  
  
It sucks that Laurie gets to her so much. Laurie is a bitch, I just know how to deal with her. I guess that's a good thing since I live in the same house as her. Jackie can be a bitch too, but she's also kind of young and not a total slut. And Jackie is willing to learn.  
  
*  
  
Jackie just beat up Laurie. It was classic. Laurie stood there trying to burn Jackie. Jackie just took her Zen lessons to heart and basically ignored Laurie. Until Laurie crossed the line. I would have kicked her ass too. I'm proud of her for standing up for herself. My little grasshopper is ready to face the world.  
  
Well, she's not ready at this instant, as she is high and laughing uncontrollably. Since it seems like Jackie is officially a member of the group on her own and not because of Kelso, she has been initiated into the Circle, I hope she learns how to handle her weed. But it is kind of funny to watch her get high and giggle for hours. She thinks she's all profound and crap.  
  
*  
  
Zen lessons. Those had been fun. And as ridiculous as they were, some of the lessons were good. It is good to say less, especially when you're mad. When I'm really mad I tend to say stupid things. Being aloof takes that out of the equation.  
  
It's too bad I didn't stick with the Zen a little bit longer. It wasn't really me though. But other things I'm glad I stayed with. I'm glad I didn't ditch the group when Michael and I broke up. I'm glad I stayed in the Circle.  
  
Why Steven ever thought I could be Zen, I'll never know. Maybe it was just a joke to him, a way to kill time. It is nice to know that he was really rooting for me against Laurie. I probably shouldn't question that. But right now it's kind of hard not to question everything Steven ever did, said, or thought. I wish I didn't feel like that. I wish I didn't feel like so much of my life is a lie.  
  
I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know if reading Steven's journal will reveal something to me that will allow all to be forgiven. I don't know. I wish I did know. I wish somewhere in these tattered pages Steven will really let me in. I know he's let his guard down by just giving me this notebook. He's not even around to protect himself. He's never put himself on the line like that as far as I know.  
  
But I've never put myself on the line like that before Steven. It was always me who held to power in my relationship with Michael. I mean, it was always me who broke up with him. It was always him who would trail after me like a puppy dog. With Steven, I know he's a force to be reckoned with. I know I could screw everything up.  
  
But it wasn't me. Everything got screwed up the way it always seems to. By a cheating boyfriend. 


	6. I Feel the Earth Move

// I feel the earth move/Under my feet/I feel the sky tumbling down/I feel my heart start to trembling/Whenever you're around \\  
  
"I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King  
  
*  
  
Jackie and I went on a date. I went on a date with Jackie Burkhardt. If that weren't strange enough, I didn't have a bad time. Jackie and I decided we'd never work. But she wasn't annoying as hell or anything. It's nice to know she can actually shut up once and awhile and just sit there.  
  
I still can't believe I took her out. I never should have hit that jerk she brought to Red's BBQ. Why do I care if he thinks Jackie is a bitch? Why do I care? I mean, I think Jackie is a bitch. At least, I say that I think Jackie is a bitch. I don't know what I actually think about her anymore. I know she's not nice, but she can be thoughtful occasionally. I guess it's just that she's my friend now. I've always protected Foreman from Donna and anyone else who wanted to pick on him. Maybe it's the same thing with Jackie.  
  
Oh yeah. We kissed. That was some kiss. I mean really hot. Not that there was anything to it. Because if there was anything to that kiss, Jackie and I would still be out right now and I wouldn't be writing in my journal like a lame-ass. But Jackie said there was nothing there. Hot, yes. But not meant to be. Whatever meant to be is. Figures Jackie would be the kind of girl to believe in girly things like destiny and fate.  
  
Maybe I think something was there. Maybe Jackie is afraid to admit it. Kelso did do a number on her. I can't believe I'm actually thinking this. Jackie and shouldn't have even considered a relationship. It's wrong on so many levels. So many levels.  
  
*  
  
Steven thought there was something there? I couldn't breathe. I was sitting at the table looking, staring at the page I had just read. I screwed that night up so bad. Of course I felt something when I kissed him. I've always felt something whenever I've kissed Steven. But he was so reluctant to even go out with me. I felt like I would have to push him every step of the way. And the thought of being to Steven what Fez is to me made me sick.  
  
I was giving him a way out. And he took it. But he thought something was there. And he thought I was afraid of that. Maybe I was. I mean, I had dated Michael for what seems now like forever and I never had a kiss like that one with him. And that's scary. I realized some guy who didn't pretend to like me could move me more than my boyfriend ever did. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment.  
  
That night though, that's the night we figured out that it was fun to kiss each other. Maybe that's the reason it seemed natural for us to start making out over the summer. It was better than. bowling. And Steven doesn't hate bowling. I don't hate bowling either.  
  
I like how Steven makes it seem like he's criticizing someone when he's actually praising them. When I "shut up" that was actually a compliment. A few months ago I would have probably been offended, but I know him now. I know he's not being mean, he just doesn't know how to actually be nice. And I don't mind that. Because he seems more real. Like with Michael, how do I know he didn't just say all kinds of nice things just to keep me from seeing what he really was? To keep me from breaking up with him.  
  
I wonder if I ever really knew Michael. I don't think I ever did. At least not like I know Steven. 


	7. Night Moves

// Working on the night moves/Trying to make some front page/Drive-in news/Working on the night moves/In the summertime/In the sweet summertime \\  
  
"Night Moves" by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band  
  
*  
  
I've been making out with Jackie basically the whole summer. Jackie Burkhardt. I think the US government came and planted a chip in my brain that made me want to grope and kiss Jackie. Because it's unnatural and bad. Even Jackie thinks it's bad and dirty. But damn man, it's a good time.  
  
Foreman chased Donna to California, which makes me laugh. Jackie totally burned Foreman to cover up the fact that we were making out in the Foremans' kitchen. That made me laugh harder. After I was done making out with Jackie of course.  
  
Luckily Jackie doesn't want to act like she's my girlfriend. I mean, I like kissing her. I mean, really like kissing her. She's got these perfect lips for kissing. Our first kiss had been great. The one on the hood of her dad's car. But they keep getting better. I can almost understand why Kelso put up with her for years now. Almost. She's that good. At kissing. I haven't gone all the way with her or anything. C'mon, she's Jackie. Not some nameless girl. Shit, I'm not supposed to have a conscience.  
  
I don't have a conscience. It would just be really strange if I slept with Jackie. She'd get all clingy and it would make things all weird when Kelso gets back. I don't need that. So it's not my conscience. I just don't want to get too involved.  
  
But I could fool around with Jackie all day long. In fact, I have fooled around with Jackie all day long.  
  
*  
  
What was this? Did he honestly think reading this would make me want to get back together with him? If so, he is more delusional than I ever thought. Yeah, it's nice to find out I'm a great kisser and that Mr. Cool couldn't keep his hands off of me, but really, this is Steven pretending he doesn't care about anything all over again.  
  
Or maybe he really doesn't care. Maybe he is cold and he doesn't have a conscience, maybe he doesn't have a heart.  
  
But on the other hand, Steven might have been trying to convince himself that nothing was really between us at this point. I mean, we were going to stop fooling around at the end of the summer. We agreed on it during one of the few times we actually talked during the summer. We didn't need to talk.  
  
It wasn't that we only made out. We watched re-runs and we hung out every now and then. We just didn't need to talk. It was kind of like our first date. I can just sit with Steven and be quiet. With Michael there always needed to be noise. Maybe it had something to do with his short attention span and my constant fear that he was fooling around behind my back.  
  
It struck me how weird my relationship with Steven was. I mean, after writing about our first date, Steven barely mentioned me at all. He said something about how much he hates it when Michael and I were around. He made a few comments about how I was a stuck-up brat. But for the most part there was nothing. And that's pretty much the truth. We went from a quick flirtation to semi-friends to a hot summer fling.  
  
I think during the summer I wanted Steven to be the rebound guy. I never really dated or anything any of the other times Michael and I broke up. I would go on dates, but no heavy fooling around or anything. It was weird, because every other guy I had ever kissed I automatically compared to Michael. But it wasn't like that with Steven. Every time I kissed Steven I just compared it to the last time Steven and I had kissed. And they kept getting hotter, more intense. I guess he felt that too.  
  
It wasn't much of a relationship. But it was fun. Maybe I shouldn't be so mad that Steven let me see this entry. I mean it's close to how we both felt at the time. Maybe he will redeem himself. But only for this entry of course, because I can't forgive him. I know all too well, cheaters cheat. 


	8. I'm On Fire

// Tell me now baby/Is he good to you/Will he do to you the things/That I'll do, oh no/I can take you higher/Whoa, I'm on fire. \\  
  
"I'm on Fire" by Bruce Springsteen  
  
*  
  
Donna and Kelso are back. Red and Kitty were ready to lock Foreman up in his room and not let him out until he's thirty. Donna is going to an all- girls school now. And she's wearing this hot uniform everyday. Jackie would look amazing in that uniform. Who the hell am I kidding? Jackie always looks amazing.  
  
Jackie and I are still fooling around. I thought everything would stop as soon as Kelso came back. She always goes back to him whenever he smiles at her. He was hitting on her the other day and she pretty much ignored him. I punched him. It's not that I was jealous or anything. It was just really obvious that he was making her uncomfortable. And he had his arm around her. I left after that. And Jackie followed me. We went to her house for a couple of hours.  
  
I guess we will end soon though. Donna and Foreman caught us fooling around in the basement and they are both going crazy. It doesn't matter to them that we are just having some fun. Foreman spent the summer moping about Donna and working. Fez kept hanging out by the pool. All Jackie and I had to do was watch "The Price is Right" or make out. We, or at least I, happen to think fooling around was more fun.  
  
Jackie and I have decided we'll just keep everything between us quiet. I might have to actually take her out now since the basement may not be the safest place to do anything. It's not that I mind taking her out. It just kind of makes us a little real. And Jackie and I are not dating. We're just having fun.  
  
*  
  
That was one of the most mortifying days of my life. I never expected to have to explain why I was kissing Steven. There had always been this bond between Steven and I. Even when we pretended to hate each other, or I pretended to hate him, we didn't really hate each other. And when he kisses me, the rest of the world kind of falls away and all that matters is the way his lips feel on mine. Even with Michael, my mind would occasionally drift to the pretty dress I had just bought or how my hair looked.  
  
It must have been weird for Donna and Eric though. I mean, it was weird for me too. I knew that the idea of Steven and I was beyond strange. I didn't expect them to understand. Especially when I had wanted to marry Michael three months earlier. Michael leaving for California may have been the biggest blessing in disguise I have ever had. Michael and I might be married now. I'm not stupid enough anymore to believe a ring would have kept him from straying or me from wanting more.  
  
I didn't want more from Steven. I didn't mind moving at his pace and not my own. I didn't mind that I didn't dominate Steven. I think I actually kind of liked it. It seems so strange after the way I could lead Michael around wherever I wanted that I liked having my relationship with Steven.  
  
I never knew that Steven thought I was going to go back to Michael back then. I don't blame him I guess. I always run to him when Michael and I break up and then I run back to Michael. But this time was different. I ran to Steven for more than comfort this time. I ran to him because he was Steven and I didn't have to worry about falling in love. But I did fall in love. I wasn't in love when Donna and Eric found us. But somewhere along the way I fell for him. Hard. Harder than I had fallen for anyone. Even Donny Osmond.  
  
And fooling around with Steven is much more fun that watching "The Price is Right." 


	9. Just What I Needed

// I don't mind you coming here/and wasting all my time/'Cause when you're standing all so near/I kind of lose my mind \\  
  
"Just What I Needed" by The Cars  
  
*  
  
I was going to tell Kelso about Jackie and I. Donna and Foreman are nagging us like there's no tomorrow. Jackie and I fooling around is far from the end of the world. But don't tell that to Donna and Foreman, because they would give you a lecture on how Kelso deserves to know. I don't go to class because I don't like being lectured to. If my friends are going to lecture me now, I might have to find new things to do.  
  
Kelso and I were at the DMV. And, to some extent, I did tell Kelso what was going on. I told him something had gone on with Jackie and alluded to the fact that she might have been seeing one of his friends. It's not my fault he thought I was messing with him. But it was easier to let him believe I was kidding.  
  
Donna, of course, took that to mean I have a heart. I'm still getting over Foreman reading too much into my relationship with Jackie. We are HAVING FUN. She's not so bad to be around when she's not talking. And the only way to keep her from talking is to otherwise occupy her lips. And that's a job I don't mind taking. Damn, that girl can kiss.  
  
I think Jackie is worried about telling Kelso too. That kind of bugs me a little, but I understand. She's only really dated him. She wanted to marry him. And then there's the whole group thing. This really could ruin everything. What if Kelso decides to stop hanging around? I mean, he's a jackass most of the time, but I've known him forever. And would people start taking sides? But part of me wants Jackie to want to tell Kelso about us. But there's not an 'us' to talk about. We just make out.  
  
Okay, so sometimes when she talks, I listen. Not always, because I really don't care about cheerleading, shopping, or David Cassidy or whatever other teen idol she's into. But sometimes she says things that make sense. She does think up weird comparisons though. She compared telling Kelso at the right time to setting her damn hair. And I listened to that! Something is seriously wrong with me. Maybe that's why I don't want to tell Kelso, because I may come to my senses tomorrow and realize Jackie and I are wrong.  
  
Although, Jackie is about the hottest girl I know. And I've spent all summer making out with her, which is a good way to spend time. Maybe why I don't want to tell Kelso is because it will mean it is okay for Jackie and I to be a couple. Can I date Jackie? I'm not going to think about it right now. Because it doesn't matter. Because it's not going to happen.  
  
*  
  
I sat back after I read that entry. It was all so much. I had been afraid to tell Michael. I didn't want him to go after Steven. I liked what Steven and I had. It was so fun, simple, and hot. I didn't see how telling Michael would make it any better.  
  
I guess I had an ulterior motive for not wanting to tell Michael. If he knew, then me being with Steven seemed almost like revenge for Michael running away and not marrying me. And I was really afraid that was how everyone would see it. I really liked Steven. I liked having someone who wasn't so absorbed in himself around. I liked that he would tell me the truth and not what I wanted to hear. I liked being around somebody who actually had thoughts in his brain.  
  
I loved Michael, don't get me wrong. But when it was finally really over between us, I needed something different. And Steven was who was around. And I've always been attracted to Steven. I wouldn't have pursued someone for the hell of it. And I did pursue Steven. It got me the Veteran's Day date. And one hell of a kiss.  
  
Steven was so right about not wanting to destroy the group by telling Michael. Donna was worried about that too. Eric was just concerned about his best friend going out with the Devil. I think it's funny that Eric calls me names. They all call each other names, when Eric finally started calling me names to my face I knew I really was a part of the group on my own and not just because of Michael. We were all worried about how Michael would take it.  
  
I always knew that Steven was afraid of involvement. I knew it and I was okay with that in the beginning. Because I don't think I was really ready to be serious. And part of me thinks that I shouldn't have gone straight from dating Michael to dating Steven. I mean, normally I'm one of those girls who thinks girls always need boyfriends. And maybe I still do think that. But on the other hand, my relationship with Michael was really messed up. I'm sure I'll never know how many times he cheated on me. And when I kissed one guy, once, he broke up with me. That's real fair. Maybe I needed something normal in the middle there. Because Steven is definitely not normal. Did I make a mistake ever starting anything up with him? 


	10. Baby Hold On

// You know the future's looking brighter every morning when I get up/Don't be thinking about what's not enough now baby/Just be thinking about what we've got \\  
  
"Baby Hold On" by Eddie Money  
  
*  
  
Kelso knows about Jackie and I. There is nothing stopping Jackie and I from being together now. We can be together all the time. We could date. We won't. But we can.  
  
I know Kelso is going to start making lame-ass attempts to get Jackie back. He already told her that he would be there for her if she ever had any needs. Of course, that was before he found out about Jackie and I. But still, there was this smug smile on his face that seemed to say that he knew she would always come running back to him. But does he really have any reason to think differently?  
  
I kinda feel bad for Kelso too. Before he left for California, he thought Jackie wanted to marry him. No, scratch that. Jackie did want to marry him. How could he have known that anything would have changed. Besides the letter she wrote him calling him every name in the book. I should know. I helped her think of some of those names.  
  
I wish he would have hit me. Then I could have gotten mad back at him. But the way he looked at me really killed me. Not enough to make me stop fooling around with Jackie. The only reason he knows at all is because Jackie and I had decided we were going to keep doing whatever it is we are doing. I would have told him eventually. It's not my fault he found out like he did. I tried to tell him.  
  
Jackie went to talk to him to try and comfort him. I can understand why she felt the need to do that, because she did see him for nearly forever. But it kind of pisses me off too. She's fooling around with me. And she left me to go take care of her ex-boyfriend. But she is coming back after she's done taking care of him. So I guess I don't need to worry.  
  
*  
  
I had no idea that Steven had always been so insecure about my relationship with Michael. I thought it started at the funeral when I called Michael my boyfriend. Apparently it had always been there.  
  
Does that hurt? I don't really know. But it made sense in a way. Michael was my first in every single way. And girls always romanticize their first. first love, first sexual encounter, etc. That's why most women in romance novels are virgins until they meet the man they marry. The first is always supposed to be the most important in your life. In the real world that barely ever happens. Eric and Donna are the exceptions. I will always remember Michael. And a lot of those memories will be good memories. But he's not the most important boy in my life anymore.  
  
Even if I never forgive Steven, Michael is not the most important boy in my life. Well, maybe he is. Because Steven isn't a boy. Steven is the first man I've ever loved. I know he's eighteen and I'm seventeen. But he's been through so much that you can't really call him a boy anymore. His entire family has left him. One of his closest friends has disappeared. He's handled everything pretty well.  
  
He's the man I love. As much as I wish I could close him out of my heart, as much as I wish I could stop hurting, he's there in my heart and head. But what good is love without trust? Because he's obviously never trusted me.  
  
*  
  
"You still up?" Donna whispered as she walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator.  
  
"Yeah," I said, closing the journal. I put my dishes in the sink and went back to the table as Donna sat down with a glass of milk.  
  
"So?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know Donna," I said, looking at my hands folded over the journal. "He's really put himself out there by giving this to me. And there's some interesting stuff in there."  
  
"Like what?" Donna asked, leaning forward in interest.  
  
"When he took me to the prom, our first kiss, stuff about us fooling around over the summer," I said. "I just finished where Kelso found out about us."  
  
"Wow," Donna said.  
  
"Yeah," I said. "And there's more to go. I'm really glad I don't have cheerleading tomorrow because all I want to do is read this."  
  
"You still care about him," Donna said.  
  
"I'll always care about him," I said. "I still love him."  
  
"He loves you too Jackie," Donna said.  
  
"That's what he said," I said.  
  
"Don't you believe him?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I do," I said. "Because Steven wouldn't just say that. But I don't know if that's enough right now."  
  
"What would be enough?" Donna asked.  
  
"I don't know," I said. "I need some sleep."  
  
"Well, lets go," Donna said. 


	11. I'm Not in Love

// I'm not in love/so don't forget it/it's just a silly phase I'm going through/And just because/I call you up/don't get me wrong/don't think you've got it made \\  
  
"I'm Not In Love" by 10cc  
  
*  
  
School was horrible. I didn't want to go at all. I didn't want to have to worry about running into Steven in the halls. I avoided Eric's locker at all costs. That's where Steven, Eric, Michael, and Fez all hang out. I was in history when I saw Steven's El Camino pull out of the parking lot. I felt a lot less horrible after that.  
  
That was until I collided with someone at the end of the day after turning away from my locker. "Hey," Steven's all-too-familiar voice said.  
  
I looked up to see him, eyes covered by his glasses. "I- I thought you left."  
  
"What?" he asked. I just noticed his hand was around my arm. He had been steadying me after I had nearly fallen when I ran into him. I fleetingly thought of other times he had steadied me, in a more psychological way.  
  
"I saw you leave from my history class," I said.  
  
"No, Foreman took my car to pick up Donna," Steven said. "She got out early today."  
  
"Oh," I said.  
  
"How are you?" he asked me, scrutinizing me.  
  
"Fine," I said, too quickly.  
  
"Did you get what I left with Donna?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah," I said, suddenly feeling a little vulnerable. Maybe it was because the journal made Steven vulnerable. Maybe when Steven is vulnerable, I am too. "Thanks."  
  
"Did you read any of it?" he asked.  
  
"Some," I said.  
  
"I didn't know what else I could do to show you I do have emotions," he said.  
  
"I'm still reading," I said, hoping that would be enough. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold up around him. He was being sweet, concerned. This is what I needed, just not from him. It was strange, because it wasn't strange for Steven to be comforting me after my heart broken. Of course, his comfort had never hurt before. "I've got to go. Donna is teaching me how to make lasagna."  
  
"Okay," he said. He turned to walk away and then he turned back. "Jackie, I love you."  
  
Part of me wanted to say what I had told him the last time he said he loved me. But I couldn't. "I'm not saying it back." I turned and left without waiting for his reaction.  
  
After dinner I went out onto the porch with Steven's journal and an afghan. I balled up for a good read.  
  
*  
  
She's my girlfriend. I said it. She didn't even have to trick me into saying it. I was angry that she told Donna stuff I had said and I said something about her being my girlfriend. I could have shot myself for being so stupid. Of course Jackie would hear the word girlfriend and concentrate on nothing else that I was saying.  
  
Man, did she ever smile when I called her my girlfriend though. I mean, it was a great smile. She would like that smile to have been in the yearbook if she knew how good she looked at that moment. It made me almost not want to take it back. Almost. Not that she would ever really let me take that back.  
  
I guess I should have known as soon as Kelso found out that Jackie and I were basically dating. It wasn't just fooling around anymore. And as long as she doesn't expect me to turn into Kelso, it might be okay. Because I think I actually like her. I think I like having her around.  
  
I'm crazy. I'm an idiot. I let her get to me. I let myself want to have Jackie around. I let this become more than fooling around. Damn. How do I fix this?  
  
*  
  
I smiled at the memory of Steven calling me his girlfriend. I felt like someone had given me a crown when he called me his girlfriend. He, of course, went and ruined the moment. But it was great while it lasted.  
  
We were both reluctant to start a relationship. I had to carry on the relationship in front of my ex-boyfriend. He never had a real relationship, because he had so much trouble trusting anyone. But we still did it. It was difficult at first to get him to actually feel comfortable with the fact that we were dating. But he did finally fall into the relationship he had unknowingly helped me create.  
  
And it was great back then. It was all about being with each other. We didn't talk a whole lot, but the things we did say meant something. I think that both of us were still pretty sure that it would never work out between us and that it was a waste of time doing worthless stuff. So we fooled around and.. that's all.  
  
And I was fine with that. It surprised me. With Michael, I always wanted him telling me how cute I was. I wanted to be sure that he was focused on me entirely. And I wanted to change him. I wanted him to know he could be worth something if he would get his head out of his ass. But with Steven, I knew he was focused on me when he was with me. I could tell I looked good from how he kissed me. And he helped me become a better person, without nagging me like I had always nagged Michael. And I think I helped him too. 


	12. Instant Karma

// Instant karma is gonna get you/Gonna knock you right on the head/Better get yourself together/Pretty soon you're going to be dead/What in the world you thinking of/Laughing in the face of love \\  
  
"Instant Karma" by John Lennon  
  
*  
  
I could be with a drunk co-ed right now. Part of me thinks I'm a stupid ass for not going ahead and going with that girl. I mean, she was hot for me. But when she was about to take me to her room, I just froze. It doesn't make sense. How, how could Jackie have this effect on me? What about Jackie Burkhart makes me a good guy?  
  
She promised nothing would happen on her end while she went to Marquette. And I blew it off. That's what I do, I'm Zen. And I wasn't going to make any kind of promises I couldn't keep. Because I didn't know I wouldn't be able to fool around. I should have known. I can't do that to her. Especially since she's my girlfriend now.  
  
Fez said I loved her. I told him to shut up. But thinking about it now, I didn't deny it. I know Fez was just trying to piss me off, but what if it's true? What if I love her?  
  
*  
  
Good to know! Three words I wish I had never said. Jackie threw them back in my face when she got back from Marquette. So yeah, I'm an idiot. But I know she didn't do anything. You can tell with Jackie when she does stuff she's ashamed of, or stuff she shouldn't do. Like when she bought pot. That makes me feel good. It's almost like I can trust her. But you know, within reason. Because you can't trust anyone completely.  
  
*  
  
Love and trust. The two most important things in any relationship. And Steven can't trust anyone completely. I trusted him completely. Does that make me a fool? Should you trust somebody who can't trust you? I never did anything to him to make him not trust me. I never came close to kissing anyone else, let alone have sex with them.  
  
Fez thought he loved me even back then. And Steven seemed a little confused. I think I loved him then too. But I didn't know it. I was too busy trying to get him to be a boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And it's not like he changed much, I just had to wriggle my way into his life.  
  
I was angry that he wouldn't promise not to kiss any other girls. No, I was livid. I'm pretty, lots of boys would want to kiss me! I wanted to tear his head off and kick it. But I realized it was Steven. He doesn't like being fooled into things. Part of me wanted to treat my relationship with Steven like my relationship with Michael. But I couldn't do that. And Donna helped me realize that. And I do appreciate that Steven didn't make any promises he might not be able to keep. Michael would have made the promise and then broken it without a second thought.  
  
It hurts me to compare Steven to Michael because Michael hurt me so many times, but he never hurt me this badly. Does that make Steven more important to me? Does that mean I should break my promise to myself for him? Or does it mean I need to finally learn to be more careful about who I give my heart to? 


	13. Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

Note: Sorry it took me longer to update than normal, but life pulled me away from my computer for awhile. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed. It really keeps me writing. Thanks!  
  
*  
  
// I thank the Lord there's people out there like you/While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters/Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers/Turn around and say good morning to the night/For unless they see the sky/But they can't and that is why/They know not if it's dark outside or light \\  
  
"Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" by Elton John  
  
*  
  
Jackie's dad was arrested yesterday. And Kelso shot me. I spent the whole day making Kelso feel guilty and trying to figure out how to comfort Jackie. I don't comfort people normally, so making Jackie feel better was an incredibly difficult thing to do. Since I've been comforted so many times in my life, not because I wanted to be comforted, but because people can't leave well-enough alone; you would think I would be the best person to comfort Jackie. Not necessarily true.  
  
Kelso is such an ass. It may have been an accident that he shot me. But I think it's really starting to hit him that Jackie and I are together now. He used to just make snide comments that were pretty much harmless. But he really expected Jackie to come to him for comfort. She has never, ever gone to him for comfort. Because he always hurts her. He was the reason she usually needed to be comforted. And who did she go to then? Me, that's who. Why in the world would this time be any different?  
  
Of course, I didn't think about that until she was running toward me and hugging me tightly. I should have known she would come to me. I should have been ready for it. But I wasn't. Truth be told, it brought back so many old, bad memories when Mrs. Foreman told us Jackie's dad was arrested. I remembered when my dad got arrested. I didn't see him for years. And I don't really care anymore, because my life is better off without him. But, that wasn't a great day in my life.  
  
It was funny to see Kelso feeling so guilty. He brought me food and offered to let me shoot him. So I did, after he saw that I hadn't lost my ability to see. He was so mad, but I think he understood afterwards. I wish my being with Jackie didn't make Kelso feel so crappy, but I'm not going to leave Jackie. Especially not now.  
  
I did finally find a way to make Jackie feel better. I shaved my beard. She's been complaining about it for about three weeks. But I liked that damn beard. It looked good. But when Jackie saw I had shaved for her, it was worth it. I can always grow another beard if I want to. But Jackie doesn't give out those great smiles too often. She smiles a lot, but there are these special smiles she has. This was the second one I've gotten. I know I'm doing something right if I've gotten one of those smiles.  
  
I hope her mom gets back soon. This has got to be hard for Jackie. Everything is completely changing for her. She's still got money that belongs to her. She says she will be fine, but nothing is going to be normal for her. Her mom should be back soon.  
  
*  
  
That was one of the best and worst days of my life. My life did completely change that day. And I'm not sure that my life will ever be normal again. My dad says he will get out and he'll fix everything so that we have plenty of money and I can go to Marquette for college if I want. But I don't know if I can believe him. I thought I could believe my mom when she said she was coming home. But she's still not home. And I have a feeling she's never coming back. When I first realized it, I thought I was going to die. But then I realized I have a better family now. I have Mr. and Mrs. Forman, Eric, Donna, Mr. Pinciotti, and Joanne.  
  
But at the center of that family had been Steven. He was the only one I really showed how much I needed him. He was the only one I would let myself rely on. And he understood. I loved that he shaved his beard for me. When I saw him, it was like all of the horrible things that had happened that day kind of fell away. All I saw was Steven, doing something to make me feel better. I couldn't think of another time when anyone else had made such a great gesture.  
  
I don't think I would have been able to handle my dad being arrested if it hadn't been for Steven. I needed someone to make me believe everything would be alright. I don't know if my mom would have been able to do that if she had ever come home. I know Michael never would have made me feel better. I've never needed someone so much in my life. And he was there when I needed him. He was always there when I needed him. 


	14. Something in the Way She Moves

// Something in the way she moves/or looks my way/or calls my name/that seems to leave this troubled world behind/and if I'm feeling down and blue/or troubled by some foolish game/she always seems to make me change my mind \\  
  
"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor  
  
*  
  
Word of advice. Never open your mouth around Jackie Burkhart. She hears things and gets these crazy ideas in her head about how you can take care of her for the rest of her life. First of all, I'm never going to wear those pansy-ass clothes she imagined me in. Secondly, a harp? If you're rich you make friends with real musicians. If I were rich I'd start a record label and have Zepplin record for me. Yeah, that'd be good.  
  
It's just my SAT scores. I'm not even going to college. Everyone else was taking the test, so I took it. The test can't be right if Kelso scored higher than Foreman, Fez, and I. That's total crap. But Jackie took my stupid score to mean I had "potential." And it didn't just stop there. She kept hounding me, telling me I could take care of her if I just applied myself. She didn't stop until I told her that she could use her "potential" and take care of me.  
  
The scariest thing is that Jackie is thinking long-term for us now. I mean, when she imagined us in the future, I get the feeling it wasn't Hyde and Jackie said saw. I think it was Mr. and Mrs. Steven Hyde. And I could see it too. Of course, my vision of our future together was a little bit different. But it was OUR future. I don't think it the future unless it's how I will eventually open everyone's eyes to the real nature of the US government. But there I was, describing OUR future to Jackie.  
  
When did this happen? When did any of this happen? When did I decide to care about Jackie? I don't care about anyone, let alone a little cheerleader! When did I start thinking of me as a part of an "us"? What the hell is happening? I know, know that I should walk away now. Any time I let myself care about anyone, they leave. It always happens, without fail. Okay, there's the Foremans. But on the other hand, I live in their house, so I'm the one more likely to leave. And they are different anyways. But Jackie, she's going to leave. Everyone leaves. And she's not going to be any different. There is no use pretending.  
  
I can admit that it was nice that she believes in me. Outside of Mrs. Foreman and Red, no one else really ever believed in me before. Jackie said she knew I had potential even before I took the test. That means she believed in me before she had any kind of proof. Is that what girlfriends are supposed to do? I don't think so. Because Jackie never really seemed to have this kind of faith in Kelso. Could she really believe in me? She can't be that stupid.  
  
*  
  
I never even realized that I had started thinking about the far future for Steven and I. I guess it just comes naturally to girls. You fall for someone and you just start imagining how life will be a couple years down the road. It seemed so natural to imagine Steven and myself together forever. We overcame so much just to be together in the first place. I mean, the group didn't want us to be together. I don't think we necessarily wanted to be together ourselves, until we realized there was really something there between us, and it was worth the complications. And then at school, I get all kinds of grief for dating Steven. Michael was the prettiest boy at school, so he was fine. But I think a lot of girls were jealous that I was dating Steven too, because he's considered a "bad boy." There's no cliché people love more than the bad boy dating the rich princess.  
  
I always believed in Steven. He would never want to hear that. He wants to have an excuse for failing. And the easiest excuse is that no one expected him to succeed anyways. But I knew better. He's so smart. If you listen to him talk, you realize that he knows so much more than most people around him. So what if he doesn't apply himself in school? He has the kind of smarts that really count. He's got survival skills and common sense. He'll always get by. But he can do better. I know it. And I don't think it's a crime to push the people you care about to fulfill their potential. But I think I get so caught up in pushing others that I forget to push myself. And I know I have potential too. I can be so much. I could be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader if I wanted. Or I could go to college and get a normal job afterwards. And Steven seems to be the only one to realize that. 


	15. Both Sides Now

// Tears and fears and feeling proud/to say 'I love you' right out loud/Dreams and schemes and circus crowds/I've looked at life that way/But now old friends are acting strange/they shake their heads/they say I've changed/well, something's lost/But something's gained/in every living day/I've looked at life from both sides now/still somehow it's life's illusions I recall/I really don't know life at all \\  
  
"Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell  
  
*  
  
I could really just really go off on Jackie right now. First she orders me to go to Mrs. Foreman's dinner party tonight and then, when I say no, she takes Kelso. Kelso! Her ex-boyfriend. That she always gets back together with. I know she wanted to take me. But you don't order me around. I live my life, not the life Jackie wants me to live. And I know Kelso was standing there, basically begging to get invited to the party. But still. Doesn't she know she's my girlfriend?  
  
I'm not going to buckle on this. I know that she would rather me be up there with her, because she asked me first. She just asked Kelso to get back at me. I'm just going to stay down here in the basement in my t-shirt and jeans and I'm going to watch 'Battle of the Network Stars,' lame as it is. Damn, I'm hungry though. And Mrs. Foreman has been cooking all day long. And it smells really good.  
  
I can't buckle.  
  
*  
  
I buckled.  
  
But to be fair so did Foreman, Red, and Fez. And we all know when he has a girlfriend, Kelso buckles like no other. At least I made a stand. I told Jackie no. And for a while I stood by it. Until I got hungry. And until I thought about Kelso sitting next to Jackie, acting like he was her boyfriend all over again.  
  
While everyone else was apologizing though, I thought Jackie would expect me to apologize. But she didn't. She admitted she was bossy and said she would try to stop being so bossy. I didn't see that coming at all. Jackie doesn't like to believe she actually has faults. And she asked me to go to some Girl Scouts thing. She expected me to go, but at least she asked this time. And no one forced her to apologize.  
  
Sometimes I want to take that girl and just strangle her. But sometimes she really makes me want to just take her and kiss her until she can't breathe anymore. She made me realize tonight that she is changing. She's growing up. She's been going through some rough stuff too. Her dad is in jail and her mom still isn't back. It's good that she can roll with the punches. Sometimes she really amazes me.  
  
*  
  
Sometimes Steven really amazes me. Like when he said he would go to my Girl Scout Alumni Breakfast and he was such a great flipper. And when he was done with that job, he stood by me and was the perfect boyfriend. I never knew he could be such a great boyfriend. Sometimes he acts completely out of character and is just great. Maybe that's what makes me want to be a good girlfriend for him. Because I never really minded bossing Michael around. But even before Steven told me he wouldn't go to the dinner with me, it didn't feel right telling him what he had to do.  
  
Steven is so hard to read that sometimes it seems like you have to force him to do something. But I know that if I go to him and ask him to do something and I tell him it's something really important to me, he will do it for me. And I've never had that before. My dad always just gave me what I wanted, because it was easier than learning anything about me. Really, Mr. Foreman is more of a father to me than my dad is. Mr. Foreman is the one who thought it was important that I learned life skills, like changing a tire. My dad thinks giving me pretty things will just fix everything. Well, my dad may be right. Pretty things are nice to have. But once in a while, I would like for my dad to sit down and actually talk to me.  
  
Steven thought I had changed. Looking back I think I've changed too. Because it was only important for Michael to be around because he looked pretty and he was a good accessory, if you will. With Steven, it's important to have him around because I want to share stuff with him. I want to know what he thinks about things. I could just sit and listen to him talk for hours. He has such strange ideas, but they are good ideas sometimes. And I amazed him. How often does someone really think you are amazing? 


	16. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

// I am yours/you are mine/you are what you are/you make it hard/Remember what we've said/and done/and felt about each other/oh, babe, have mercy/Don't let the past remind you/Of what we are not now/I am not dreaming/I am yours/you are mine/you are what you are \\  
  
"Suite: Jude Blue Eyes" by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young  
  
*  
  
Apparently, I'm supposed to know everything that is going on in Jackie's life, regardless of whether or not she's told me. I should know that going to a doll expo is code for 'my family is broke and I have to move my stuff out of my ski cabin.' How does this make any sense? Of course, a lot doesn't make sense ever since I decided to date Jackie Burkhart.  
  
I kind of feel bad that she caught us up at the cabin when she was coming up to move stuff. I mean, she is going through a lot right now. She's used to having everything on a silver platter. Everything is different now. And she knows it. And I feel bad about that. Because she can't do anything to change everything that is happening to her and she has no control over any of it.  
  
I wish she would have just told me she had to sell the cabin. I would have volunteered to help her if she had just told me what was going on. I think I would have volunteered. I mean, if Kelso was going out with her she would have told him he had to help her at the cabin. And she can't even bother to tell me?  
  
Okay, that might not be fair. Because I'm not Kelso. And I really don't want Jackie to treat me how she treated Kelso. Like ever. And it's not like she didn't want me to know. Because she was really happy when she thought I was up there to help her out. And she was hurt when she found out I was there for another reason entirely. And then she was really pissed at me. And she still saved my ass.  
  
I could be living on the street right now. But Jackie lied for me to save my ass. My girlfriend, who was pissed at me still helped me. I know I've said that about a thousand times right now. But in my experience, you don't help people you're mad at. You leave them. You run away. And Jackie stood by me and helped me out. I can't understand her. But, I think that's okay. Because I think I really care about her. I think I've never cared about anyone this way. And that can only mean trouble. But there it is.  
  
I'm not going to pretend I understand her. But I want her around. So I know I need to try and understand her. And I can do that.  
  
*  
  
I wiped a tear away from my eye after reading that entry. Part of me was already ready to stop reading and run over to Steven, because this is the heart of everything. He's always afraid the people he cares about are going to leave him. And he pushes himself away so that they can't leave him. Or if they do leave him, it doesn't really matter because he didn't care about them so much.  
  
But there's so much that has happened. Steven saying he cares about me like that is great and it makes me love him more. But it's not enough. Because Michael said all of that. And then he cheated on me every single time. And I couldn't take that with Steven. Because with Michael, I knew better than to ever really trust him. But with Steven, I really thought I could trust him completely. I really thought this relationship was different from anything else I had ever experienced.  
  
And that was because I never would have helped Michael like I helped Steven up at the cabin. I never would have let Michael get away with coming up to my cabin without me. I never would have expected more from Michael, without asking for it. Because as similar as Michael and I are, he doesn't really know me. He doesn't know that I want a guy who doesn't have to say all the words. I want a guy who will shave his beard to make me happy. I want a guy who will stand by me at a Girl Scout pancake breakfast without checking out every girl there. I want a guy who makes fun of me and challenges me to be better.  
  
But most of all, I want a guy who doesn't cheat. And that is why I have to keep reading. Because Steven did cheat. And if I'm going to forgive him, I have to know that it won't ever happen again. Because I'm not being a fool over another cheater. I can't do it. Because I would lose even more this time. 


	17. How Long Has This Been Going On?

// How long has this been going on/Your friends with their fancy persuasion/Don't admit that it's part of a scheme/But I can't help but have my suspicions/'Cause I'm not quite as dumb as I seem \\  
  
"How Long has this Been Going On?" by Jackson Browne  
  
*  
  
Kelso's girlfriend from California has decided to grace us with her presence. Annette. Yeah, she's hot and all and it's nice that there is someone to distract Kelso from Jackie. But she's also distracting Jackie from me. That's not going to work very well for long. Jackie is jealous. She swears she isn't. But she is.  
  
Part of me wants to believe it's just because Annette is the first girl Kelso has dated since they broke up. Or maybe Annette represents the hurt she felt when Kelso left for California instead of marrying her. Or maybe she's still in love with Kelso. Maybe she's just with me because she knows it pisses Kelso off.  
  
I really don't know what I should think about this. And I don't really have anyone to talk to this about because Donna is busy putting up with Annette and Foreman would say I need to dump Jackie because she's the devil. I could talk to Fez, but he doesn't really have that much experience with women.  
  
Donna and Foreman are convinced that Annette is just a blonde, virginal version of Jackie. I can kind of see it. As long as it's Jackie from a year ago. Jackie has changed. I wouldn't be with Jackie if she was still the brat who needed to control everything and everyone around her. Now Jackie kind of rolls with things. And she's a little more giving.  
  
I really hope she's not still in love with Kelso. Because I don't think I'm ready to give her up yet.  
  
*  
  
She called Kelso her boyfriend.  
  
I don't know what the hell that means. Does it means she still has feelings for him? Does that mean these past six months have meant nothing to her? Does this mean I mean nothing to her?  
  
That's probably what it is. I mean, it's always been Jackie and Kelso. She always takes him back, no matter how bad he screws up. And this wouldn't be the first time she's wanted me during her down time. I was just the idiot who thought this time would be different.  
  
I could stand the humiliation of her calling Kelso her boyfriend, if I knew it was just a slip of the tongue. But I saw her eyes afterwards. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue. It was something more.  
  
So I think it's over.  
  
*  
  
That was the biggest mistake of my life. I had never felt so betrayed by myself before. I had let myself down plenty of times before. Every time I took Michael's cheating ass back, I let myself down. But to do something that showed to everyone that I still had some issues to deal with pertaining to Michael.  
  
I didn't want to believe it. Because I thought there was nothing there. I thought I was done hurting over Michael. But I think seeing Michael with Annette reminded me of when I caught him kissing Laurie. I don't know what was going through my head. I don't know how I could ever have done something so stupid. I don't know how I could hurt Steven that badly.  
  
That one incident probably poisoned the rest of my relationship with Steven. Because it made him feel justified in not trusting me. It gave him a reason to hold back from me. Not to say he wouldn't have found one if I hadn't given him one.  
  
But it hurt to see that he thought he might have meant nothing to me. He's meant more to me than anyone. He's my strength. He's the sane voice in my head that helps me calm down and take anything that's dealt to me. He's the one who knows me. And I think that's always been the case. I've never really had to explain myself to Steven. We're so different, but we're the same. He hides behind his Zen. I hide behind my shallowness. And we only let each other in. 


	18. Overjoyed

// Over time I've been building my castle of love/Just for two/Though you never knew you were my reason/I've gone much too far for you now to say/That I've got to throw my castle away/Over dreams I have picked out a perfect come true/Though you never knew it was of you I'd been dreaming \\  
  
"Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder  
  
*  
  
I broke up with Jackie. She ran away of course. Because Jackie doesn't always deal with things well. That's a lie. Jackie doesn't run away. She runs to other people. She runs to me. She deals with things, she rolls with the punches. I mean, she's been handling her dad being in jail really well. And her mom still isn't back. But Jackie's not letting it get the best of her. But she ran away this time. And I thought she was probably running to Kelso.  
  
But I was wrong. Well, maybe I was right in a way because she apparently went to talk to Annette. And Annette told Jackie that she was going to fight for Kelso. It made Jackie realize that she didn't want to fight for Kelso. She wanted to fight for me.  
  
So she came back to Foreman's basement and fought for me. She wasn't fighting any other person. She was fighting me for me. Weird as it sounds, that's what she was doing. I don't even kind of trust people and I think Jackie knows that. I mean, when your own parents ditch you it's really easy to never rely on people. And I don't rely on people.  
  
Jackie came back and started telling me how she didn't want to fight for Kelso even though she might still have feelings for him. And she was trying to tell me why, but I didn't want to listen. It was my chance to get out of the relationship. It was my chance to get rid of Jackie. But then Jackie told me why it was me she wanted to fight for.  
  
It's because she loves me. And it's not like the time when I went to jail for her. She really loves me. She looked me in the eye, knowing very well that I could laugh at the love she was offering freely, knowing I was very likely to walk away, and she still told me that she loved me. She put the ball in my court and told me that if I couldn't deal with her and Kelso's past, if that was more important than her love for me, then that was my bag.  
  
Part of me was ready to say, I don't need this. It's my senior year of high school. I should be living it up. I don't need a girlfriend. I don't need to go to football games because she is cheerleading. I don't need to call her every day. I don't need to go out on dates.  
  
But she's the first girl that has ever mattered to me. Ever. I had a thing for Donna and I've had a couple of other girls that I went out with more than once. But I was willing to risk never talking to Kelso ever again by dating Jackie. I was willing to rip the entire group apart to be with Jackie.  
  
I didn't tell her that I love her. I can't be like Kelso who always told her that he loved her. When I tell her that I love her, it has to matter. It has to be because I want to, not because she just said it. Plus, she's been in love before. I never have. I know that I love her. And I know I want to be with her for a long time. And I think a part of her knows that I love her. Actions are more important than words anyways.  
  
But I did take her to the dance. She barely even looked at Kelso. And she felt so right in my arms. God help me, but I love that girl.  
  
*  
  
I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. When we were going through that, I was so focused on not losing Steven, that I didn't even think about how everything was affecting him. I was so concerned about proving that Michael wasn't as important to me as he was that I didn't see how hurt he was. I should have known.  
  
He loved me even then. It seemed to make when he finally told me that he loved me mean more, because I know now that he wasn't just saying it to get in my good graces. He just finally realized that people need to hear the words 'I love you.' Preferably not after you've just gone and slept with somebody else.  
  
I spent so much of our relationship fighting him, forcing him to open up to me. I know he's not naturally very open with his emotions or anything. Sometimes I get so sick of having to push Steven into opening himself up to me. Sometimes I think it's not worth it. Sometimes I think I should just give up and accept what he gives me. But when I read that he's loved me since at least February, then I know it has been worth it.  
  
And it did feel so right to be in his arms at that dance. Because I love that boy. 


	19. In Love with a Girl

// I'm in love with a girl/finest girl in the world/I didn't know I could feel this way/Think about her all the time/Always on my mind/I didn't know/about love \\  
  
"I'm in Love with a Girl" by Big Star  
  
*  
  
I swear, one of these days, I'm going to kill Kelso. I mean, he's one of my best friends. But he's an idiot. Jackie is my girlfriend! He needs to figure out that this means that he doesn't need to hit on her anymore. Especially after the whole 'get off my boyfriend' thing. I don't want to even look at him most days right now.  
  
He gave Jackie a pink sweater for her birthday. A birthday she didn't even tell me about. She usually plays up any opportunity for gifts. She said she was trying to be less shallow. I guess that's my influence on her. She used to love getting gifts from her boyfriend, when her boyfriend was Kelso. But she stopped bugging me about presents a long time ago.  
  
But I would get her a present for her birthday. Because that's what boyfriends do. I would have taken her out for a nice date too. Because it seems like the right thing to do. And because I love her. And I don't have the chance to show her too often.  
  
It really gets me that she took that sweater.  
  
*  
  
Jackie wore the sweater today. I was really pissed off too. Because I know what Kelso is trying to do. He's trying to make me look bad. It's not my fault Jackie didn't tell me it was her birthday.  
  
But then I made Jackie see why he gave her the sweater. He's trying to buy her love. Just like he used to whenever he screwed up. I think she honestly didn't know Kelso figured he could always win if he just gave her something.  
  
She threw the sweater in his face. And she wasn't mad at me.  
  
And since it was her birthday. I gave her a present. I gave her my favorite Led Zeppelin t-shirt. She gave me another one of those smiles when I gave it to her. That's number four. I don't know that she ever gave Kelso any of those.  
  
I don't expect her to wear it or anything. But I want her to have something I love. Because I love her. It was a way I could show her that.  
  
I just wonder if she knows that's what I showed her.  
  
*  
  
That day really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It put Michael in perspective. And even though I know Michael thinks he can get me back, I know he can't. The only reason I would consider taking him back is because he's safe. I expect him to cheat on me. I expect him to screw up. And if I expect it I can't exactly be let down. He sweet and sometimes he really can make me feel special, but he really doesn't love anyone more than he loves himself. He would never put anyone else first. And that's alright, because I know it now.  
  
But Steven. You don't expect Steven Hyde to break your heart. You expect him to find strange ways to make you feel special all the time. Like when he gave me his Led Zeppelin t-shirt. I'm not a huge Zeppelin fan, but I know they are his favorite band. And I know he really loves that shirt. And that makes it so special to me. Because he did show me that he loves me by giving me that shirt. And I had hoped that was what it meant. That's why I slept in that shirt every night for a week after he gave it to me. That's why that shirt is under my pillow right now.  
  
And he didn't give it to me because he screwed up. I didn't want him to know it was my birthday. I didn't want him to feel like he had to get me something. I wanted him to want to get me something. And that's what happened. He wanted me to have the shirt.  
  
It's weird how one person can evoke so many different emotions in you. When I think about Steven right now, part of me wants to grin, because he's so great. Then another part of me wants to scream because he's hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. And there's this last part that just emerged in the past few hours, that sees a light at the end of the tunnel. But there's this bigger part of me that can't risk the rest of my heart to Steven Hyde. 


	20. Crazy Love

Sorry it took so long! I wasn't feeling very inspired. So I went and watched episodes and I found my inspiration. Hope you like it!  
  
*  
  
// Yeah well I come to her/When the sun goes down/Take away my trouble/Take away me grief/Take away my heartache/In the night like a thief/She gives me love love love love/Crazy love \\  
  
"Crazy Love" by Van Morrison  
  
*  
  
Jackie has been spending the night with me. For a couple of weeks now actually. She doesn't really have anywhere else to stay. I mean, she has that gigantic house of hers, but no one else is there. And I don't want her staying alone. I would go stay with her, but if I wasn't here in the morning, the Foremans would go crazy. But her mom still isn't home. I always thought Jackie was pretty lucky and that her parents were at least decent parents. While her dad hasn't abandoned her, he hasn't exactly done anything to get his wife, the mother of his daughter, back to Wisconsin and back to their daughter. It seems like our parents are the same really.  
  
One night she just didn't seem to want to leave the basement. I offered to drive her home and she just said she wanted to wait a little longer. Eventually she fell asleep while we were watching TV. Her head was on my shoulder and her body was curled into a ball next to my side. And I knew.  
  
I woke her up and told her she didn't have to leave, but we needed to move to my bedroom. She looked at me and gave me one of those great smiles again. She was so happy that I understood. We went to my room and went to sleep. And it was nice. I don't usually say anything is nice. But having Jackie sleep in my arms is definitely nice.  
  
And having her wake up with me is better. She wakes me up by kissing me. Because we have to wake up pretty early so I can drive her back to her house and I can be back in time for breakfast. And then I go pick her up again and we go to school. Or we stay at her house. Or we go anywhere.  
  
But it's over now. Because Foreman, like the idiot he is, left one of his toys in front of my room and Jackie tripped over it on the way to my room. And then everyone came downstairs thinking that there was a thief in the house or something. But all they found was me and Jackie.  
  
Red and Mrs. Foreman gave us lectures. It's not like we would do anything in that room. It's not right. If we wanted to do what they thought was going on, we have a much nicer room to go to across town. And hell, I work in a hotel.  
  
But Jackie sleeping in my room was forbidden and it was basically decided, by everyone except Jackie and I, that Jackie should live with Donna. I knew they went about it the wrong way. And I told Donna that afterwards. And I helped her see why Jackie said no. And Donna did the right thing and convinced Jackie to move in with her.  
  
And while it's not as nice as Jackie sleeping in my bed at night, having her close by is pretty good. Then she can always come to me if she needs me. And I hate being away from her for very long any more.  
  
*  
  
I didn't know Steven had talked to Donna about me needing to have somewhere to go. I just assumed Steven was staying out of it. He pretty much does stay out of stuff like that. I guess because he doesn't like people interfering in his life. He observes a lot and seems to know everything that is going on. But he doesn't get involved.  
  
Maybe it's easier that way. Then you never get attached, which would be the story of Steven's life. Ever since his dad walked out on him and his mom. And then his mom walked out on him. But as Steven pointed out, my parents have done the same thing to me. And I'm not cutting myself off from everyone.  
  
I decided to concentrate on the one person who I trusted completely. I loved him as best I could and just assumed he would be there for me. I never thought that he mistrusted me. I didn't think anything would go wrong. Not while I needed him. Not while I loved him so much.  
  
And he was there for me. He was always there for me. Even when he did something so wrong. He was there, apologizing. And I know he would have let me cry on his shoulder if I had needed that. I know he would have supported me in any way possible. And knowing it was something that wasn't obligatory to him really helps me see him in a better light. Knowing he wanted me close by so he could be there for me makes me feel. good.  
  
How many people find that person who just wants to take care of them in high school? 


	21. Hey, Hey What Can I Do?

I am REALLY, REALLY sorry it took so long to post this. I was unable to write anything this summer and then coming back to school was another kind of craziness all unto itself. So once I finally had time to sit down and write I had to reread all I had written. So I'm really sorry again and I hope you all like this! (Oh yeah, and I'm going to keep writing and finish this right now while I do actually have time so that this long of a hiatus does not recur.)  
  
*  
  
// Wanna tell you about the girl I love/my she looks so fine/she's the only one that I've been dreaming of, maybe someday she will be all mine/I wanna tell her that I love her so/I thrill with her every touch/I wanna tell her she's the only one I really love \\  
  
"Hey, Hey What Can I Do?" by Led Zeppelin  
  
*  
  
First it was Kelso and Jackie's panties. Then I hear about Jackie and Kelso hanging out together at The Hub. Does she not realize that they used to date?  
  
Obviously she does. I told Jackie I wasn't cool with her spending time alone with Kelso. And she said she understood. She didn't give me a bunch of crap when I basically told her that I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone.  
  
But maybe I should trust her.  
  
All she did was call him her boyfriend. She's never come close to kissing him or wanting to go out with him or anything like that. So maybe I should go ahead and trust her. I mean, after all these months, the closest either of us has come to cheating was when I went on the college trip with the guys. Neither of us has cheated.  
  
We should be in the clear by now. I mean, she loves me and I love her. I should be able to trust her. But I should be able to trust my parents too. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.  
  
Right now I'm going to be okay with Jackie promising not to spend any time alone with Kelso. I know Kelso's a damn idiot, but Jackie, she's the girl I love.  
  
*  
  
I'm never talking to Kelso or Jackie again. That sounds petty and childish. But I don't want to kill my childhood friend. And I might actually hurt if I look at Jackie.  
  
Okay, I do hurt. I hurt a lot.  
  
I don't think anyone can actually blame me though. It's not everyday you see your girlfriend cuddling with her ex-boyfriend.  
  
Especially not on the day after she promised that she wouldn't be alone with him anymore.  
  
And I believed her.  
  
Just goes to show me that I was right all along. Don't trust anyone. I'm going to work now. Hopefully I can talk Mrs. Foreman into buying me a beer to drown my sorrows in.  
  
*  
  
I wasn't sure what I should be feeling after reading those entries.  
  
I was hurt. I was so hurt that Steven couldn't get past issues that were in the past to actually try to trust me. Even he realized that he should be able to trust me. I never actually cheated on him. I was confused. But I had stopped being confused for a very long time.  
  
I was angry. I shouldn't have had to promise that I wouldn't spend time alone with Kelso. I don't throw fits when he's alone with Donna. And we all know he had a thing for her before she started dating Eric. I trusted him when he went to Madison.  
  
Most of all, I was sad. I was sad for the soul inside of Steven that learned far too early in his life that people let you down. At least my parents waited until I had great friends to abandon me. I know certain people will let you down and there's not much you can do about it. But other people will help you no matter what. Steven doesn't have that.  
  
I was sad that Steven didn't have enough faith in my feelings for him to trust that I wouldn't betray him. I was sad that there was really nothing I could do to reverse all of the bad things that had happened to him. And I was sad that anything ever had to come between us.  
  
Had we lost our shot because he couldn't trust me? Can I really not trust him anymore because he lacked faith in me? 


	22. What A Fool Believes

// As he rises to her apology/Anybody else would surely know/he's watching her go/what a fool believes he sees/No wise man has the power to reason away/What seems to be/Is always better than nothing/Than nothing at all \\  
  
"What a Fool Believes" by The Doobie Brothers  
  
*  
  
What goes around comes around. It's karma and all of that.  
  
Jackie cheats on me, I cheat on Jackie.  
  
So why do I feel like shit? Why did I want to halfway believe Kelso was telling the truth when he told me that Jackie was just comforting?  
  
I'm not an idiot. Kelso was Jackie's first. That's important. I guess. I mean, when your first is someone you are committed to. So, I was handicapped from the start and I could never have competed. I just finally realized it.  
  
So, what goes around comes around. Jackie will be fine. She'll admit she was wrong and then we can part as friends. Kind of. Because I'll still hurt when I think of the girl I love wrapped around her ex-boyfriend.  
  
I'll still want to kill Kelso.  
  
And I'll always want to take back what I just did. Damn. I cheated on Jackie. Maybe I grew some kind of soul.  
  
*  
  
So, I'm really the ass. Kelso was telling the truth. Jackie was just comforting him.  
  
Jackie had spent the whole day trying to find me so she could tell me that what I saw was nothing. She was frantic when she finally found me.  
  
And when she left, I've never seen her more hurt. And she was angry too. Can't say that I really blame her.  
  
The big thing is that I probably could have gotten away with what I did. But I confessed. I didn't let Kelso hold it over my head. I told her.  
  
Because she deserved to know the kind of jerk she was dating.  
  
If I could have trusted her. Well, I wouldn't be me. But I wouldn't be miserable right now either.  
  
*  
  
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I was so overwhelmed with Steven's emotions and my own. And they were at war with each other.  
  
Steven didn't trust me and we both knew it. And he was hurt when I did something I promised not to do. I could understand that. And I would probably lash out too.  
  
But holding someone is a far cry from having sex. My betrayal doesn't compare to his betrayal. He touched someone who wasn't me. And that makes my skin crawl.  
  
But he felt guilty before he even found out what had happened between Michael and I. At least he has some measure of guilt. Michael was the thief who felt bad because he got caught, not because he stole.  
  
And it does mean something that Steven told me the truth and didn't let me just find out for myself. It does mean something that Steven apologized and didn't blame me. Because Michael blamed me for his cheating.  
  
I shouldn't be surprised that Steven and Michael don't compare in the area of cheating. They don't compare anywhere else either.  
  
Michael cheated because he could. Steven cheated because he was hurt and he wanted me to hurt too. And he felt bad. I could tell he felt bad.  
  
Michael never felt bad. 


	23. Silver Spring

// I'll begin not to love you/Turn around, see me running/I'll say I loved you years ago/Tell myself you never loved me, no/And did you say that she was pretty/And did you say that she loved you/Baby, I don't want to know/And can you tell me was it worth it/Really, I don't want to know \\  
  
"Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac  
  
*  
  
Jackie said she doesn't love me. Damn it! I really screwed everything up.  
  
Jackie broke up with me and I deserve that. I really messed up. I should have been able to trust her. She trusted me and I let her down. I, of all people, should have known how she felt about cheating. I should have known she never would have cheated on me, with Kelso of all people!  
  
Who was it she ran to every time that idiot would cheat on her? Me! Who is she going to run to now? I mean, sure, she lives with Donna. But she doesn't really let her guard down all that much anymore. Ever since her dad got arrested.  
  
I went to go talk to her, because I had to talk to her. And I had to get away from Kelso. He was everywhere telling me how he was going to get Jackie back. So I went to talk to her.  
  
And she was so Zen.  
  
If she was being Zen with anyone else, I would have been proud of her.  
  
Damn, she really shut me down. Except, I had to tell her something. I couldn't let everything end without telling her once that I love her.  
  
So I told her. I haven't told anyone that I love them in years. And I didn't say it because I expected her to forgive me if I just told her that.  
  
She deserved to hear it. She deserved to know that she's the first girl I've ever really cared about. She's the only person I would actually expose myself to, knowing she could hurt me.  
  
She told me she didn't love me anymore.  
  
Even if it's not true, that hurts. And I know I must have hurt her very deeply if she could say that. How many times did she take Kelso back and tell him that she loved him after he cheated on her?  
  
And when am I going to stop comparing what Jackie and I have to what she and Kelso had. I guess I should say what Jackie and I had.  
  
Damn it.  
  
*  
  
It was painful to read. Beyond painful to see Steven beating the crap out of himself for cheating on me.  
  
I had never felt so conflicted in my life. I wanted to be angry at Steven and I wanted to not care that he felt guilty and sad and frustrated and hurt. I wanted to be able to walk away and not care that he said he loved me.  
  
But I also wanted to go to Steven and hold him. I wanted him to know that I do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone. I loved Michael, yes. But that was so different. We were each more concerned about ourselves than each other. I never wanted to comfort Michael after he hurt me.  
  
So I guess I was growing up. I guess I was realizing not everything was simple. Cheaters do cheat. But maybe, just maybe, the good guys make a mistake every now and then too.  
  
I couldn't believe Steven was a chronic cheater. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Steven did pride himself on his detachment and outsider status.  
  
But that wasn't the Steven that I knew. That was the Hyde everyone else knew. The Steven I knew was the one who forgave me. My Steven took me to my first prom and to my last dance. The Steven I knew understood when I didn't want to go home to sleep in an empty house and he helped me squeeze onto his cot. The Steven I knew would never intentionally hurt me for no good reason at all.  
  
But I would have been so certain just days earlier that the Steven I knew wouldn't cheat on me.  
  
And I could have left Steven for good.  
  
Except he loved me. And he told me he loved me because I deserved to know that I didn't waste several months on some loser who will forget me within the year. And he told me knowing that I could very well shove his love back in his face.  
  
Like I did.  
  
And when I laid myself out on the line for him, offering my heart to him, knowing he could reject it, he didn't.  
  
I'm not saying our crimes were the same. But I did hurt him. And I hurt him in a way that he would never have hurt me.  
  
And despite everything, I loved him. 


	24. Have A Little Faith In Me

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed this story. I have gone back and forth over whether or not to make this the last chapter of the story. I've decided I probably can't end it better than this, so this is it. THANK YOU EVERYONE for your reviews. Enjoy!  
  
*  
  
// When the road gets dark/and you can no longer see/Just let my love throw a spark/And have a little faith in me/And when the tears you cry/Are all you can believe/Just give these lovin' arms a try/And have a little faith in me \\  
  
"Have A Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt  
  
*  
  
The journal was gripped tightly in my hand and I made my way to the Foremans' house. I crept to the back door, not wanting to disturb anybody. It was a Friday so I didn't worry so much about people being asleep, but it was still late.  
  
My hand closed on the cold doorknob and I nearly turned and ran back to Donna's house. I wasn't ready to make a decision.  
  
But the decision was already made.  
  
I walked quietly into the basement. And I left the journal on the shelf just outside of Steven's room, where he would find it first.  
  
*  
  
I wasn't sleeping well. I hadn't been sleeping well for a few days.  
  
How was Jackie?  
  
How was my journal?  
  
I didn't care if the journal convinced her to forgive me. I just wanted her to know that I really loved her. It wasn't just me saying that I loved her. It was something I had thought about. A lot.  
  
It was the first night I had gotten any kind of sleep. But some shuffling in the basement woke me up. I figured it was probably Foreman sneaking in past curfew.  
  
I got up, thinking food sounded like a good idea.  
  
And there it was. My journal was on the shelf just outside my room.  
  
And there she was, standing by the door.  
  
"Hey," I said.  
  
"Hey," she replied. "I finished."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I cried," Jackie said.  
  
I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be," Jackie said. "That was good. You really moved me. Your feelings moved me."  
  
"Are you okay?" I asked her.  
  
"Yeah," she said, nodding her head. "I am okay."  
  
"You want me to walk you back to Donna's?" I asked her.  
  
"Can we talk?" Jackie asked me.  
  
"Yeah, of course," I said.  
  
*  
  
I took a deep breath. It was my last chance to run. To run and never look back.  
  
"I love you Steven," I said softly.  
  
He breathed a sigh of relief. "I love you too Jackie. I know it's not enough."  
  
"It is enough Steven," I said, cutting him off. "If you really love me, if you can say it and really mean it, then it is enough."  
  
"What?" Steven asked.  
  
"If you really mean it, then you'll trust me," I said. "If you really mean it, you'll never cheat on me again. And if you really mean it, then I'm really a pretty lucky girl."  
  
"Are you insane?" he asked me.  
  
"Steven, not many guys would admit to his girlfriend that he kept a journal," I said. "Much less let her read it. You let me read everything."  
  
"Some of it made you mad, didn't it?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.  
  
"Yeah, some of it," I said. "but you make me mad some of the time."  
  
*  
  
"So where do we go from here?" I asked her.  
  
"That all depends on you," Jackie said. I looked at her, trying to figure out what she meant. Did she want me to jump through hoops? That was Kelso, that wasn't me.  
  
"What?" I finally asked.  
  
"Do you trust me?" she asked.  
  
"More than I trust anyone else," I told her. I knew that I would always have doubts and feel a little insecure. But I knew deep down that I could trust her.  
  
"And can I trust you?" Jackie asked.  
  
"Do you want to be able to trust me?" I asked her.  
  
"More than anything," she said. "I don't need our relationship to turn into what Michael and I had. I want more than that."  
  
"So do I," I said. "You can trust me."  
  
And she smiled, ever so slightly. "Okay."  
  
"Okay?" I asked, suddenly feeling wide awake and ready to run for miles.  
  
"Okay," Jackie said, nodding her head. Tears twinkled in her eyes. "I love you Steven."  
  
"I love you too Jackie," I said, crossing the room to pull her into my arms where she belonged. 


End file.
